GIVE ME AN ORANGE
It’s good to learn; to try new things, ESPECIALLY if it’s difficult. Challenge keeps you sharp! If a chimp can learn sign language, you can bet your ass that one day soon I’m gonna learn how to make 3D models in Blender. Perhaps most things won’t fit comfortably into your wheelhouse of strengths right away, but there’s a real charm to a clumsy effort. The longest sentence ever “spoken” by a chimp was “Give orange me give eat orange me eat orange give me eat orange give me you.” His name was Nim Chimpsky (GREAT name). Sure, not as talented of a linguist as Noam, but don't even try to act like you wouldn’t give that guy an orange.
I try to do a lot of different things. Sometimes, I fail, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the effort! The older I get, the more okay with failing I become. Throughout my 20’s, this idea of being a “failure” was one of the things I feared the most. I wasn’t great at dealing with anxiety back then. The argument could be made that I’m still pretty bad at dealing with anxiety, but at the very least, my tolerance has gone up. It’s just easier to distract myself than it is to risk effort. Judging by my recent 3-day Elden Ring bender, I think it’s safe to say I’m still guilty of avoidant behavior, but being self-aware is half the battle. Right? Maybe? I don’t know, but I do know this: understanding is not as useful as action. I don’t need to know how a car works, I just need to fucking drive. Cross bridges as they come.
Here’s a small tip that's helped me become a more productive person: break things down. Every chore, task, or goal is just the sum of smaller parts. One step at a time, one day at a time. The only things that can’t be broken down are quarks and electrons, but what are you, an astrophysicist or just somebody trying to stay ahead of the laundry? Don’t put up hurdles between you and a desired outcome! Productivity is momentum based. That's why the gym is one of the first things recommended to people suffering from depression. It’s not about losing weight or looking hotter; it’s about that feeling of “I did the hard thing and I am better for it.” Every victory counts, even if it’s just victory over weakness. I’m not perfect, but when I’m at my best, I’m challenging myself everyday.
Predictability is easy, but the path of least resistance does little to inspire growth. Or confidence. Or anything resembling the makings of an interesting person. I spent an embarrassing amount of time in my 20s chasing other people’s ideas of success. During the week, I’d go to college for some shit I didn’t care about, and on the weekends I’d get drunk at bars and do my best impersonation of someone worth having sex with. Even performing shows at this time, in hindsight, was mostly just an excuse to not be alone with my thoughts for any longer than necessary. I’d often get stupid high with friends and play video games in a dusty basement for what is, collectively, THOUSANDS of hours. I ate more whole medium Domino's pizzas in that basement than most people might eat in their entire lives. Pepper in shifts at a long series of jobs I hated (i.e. every job I’ve ever had) and that was basically my life.
Alone & in-moderation, none of these behaviors are all that terrible, but concurrently & excessively, they are symptoms of a bigger problem. These were routines I fell into against my better judgment by following crowds and adhering to the well-intentioned-but-ill-fitting advice & expectations of family. I didn't have a clear sense of who I wanted to become, and even if I did, I lacked the courage to pursue it. With today's pace of information, it’s never been easier to feel like you’re not keeping up. I wanted to be in the mix. I wanted my family’s approval. I wanted the approval of my peers. Those temporary dopamine hits don’t last though. The feed refreshes everyday! Tides change and no contractor worth their hourly rate is going to recommend you build your home on sand.
10 years can slip right through your fingers if you’re not careful. I like to think that most people go through a period like this; a sort of 2nd adolescence in between high-school and career. Maybe that's just something I tell myself so I don’t feel so bad though. I never wanted to grow up. Still don’t, but I’ve learned that there’s more than one kind of adult. Being an adult doesn’t have to mean you become your parents or your peers. For me, my quasi-adulthood just means being honest with myself, acting with intention, not running from challenges, and the golden rule: treating others as you wish to be treated. As for how I want to be treated, for the most part, I just want to be left alone so I can play Elden Ring in peace. Unless it’s been 3 days. If I’ve put over 24 hours into any game in 3 days or less, please punch me in the gut and pour a glass of water over my head.
Actually, scratch that, because when Shadow of the Erdtree drops, don't bother texting me for at least a week. I’ll be busy.
For a while, when thinking about most of my 20s, I’d be filled with regret and shame. Looking back at it now though, I’m not all that bothered by my journey anymore. Some people snap right into real life without a hitch. I am not one of those people. I am a slow-learner, a late-bloomer, and kind of an idiot. I’ve never been able to find motivation in money. I have never seen myself represented in the popular characterizations of success. It feels like the world is always selling me something I don't need or want. Every time I try to align myself on the road to someone else's idea of success, on a fundamental level, my heart and soul cannot digest any of it. It absolutely starves my sense of purpose and I’m left feeling like a shell of who I’m supposed to be. I freeze up because doing nothing feels better than doing things that go against my nature. It took some time, but I know who I am, and a late-introduction is better than no introduction.
When I’m not happy, my life gets hijacked by distraction. Every vice known to man is in our pockets right now. There is no shortage of escapist opportunity. So much of what we experience feels pre-determined, but I didn’t choose any of this. I did not ask to be born. No part of me ever wanted to be an employee for 40+ hours a week. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, and I can guarantee you that on my deathbed, I will NOT be wishing I had more social media followers or money.
There’s an urgency deep inside of me. Though I did not ask to be born, I am here now, and I won’t get another chance. It feels like I have this responsibility to, against all odds, find a way to enjoy this bullshit. I mean, think of how many people didn’t make it this far. Throughout history, how many BILLIONS of lives were cut short in pursuit of some shit they never truly wanted a part of in the first place? Or even worse, cut short by someone else’s pursuit? You can’t fool me. This shit is all made up! It’s a big nothing; socio-political theater trying to control the overgrowth & chaos caused by a species suffering from its own success and bringing the entire planet down with it. I’ll do what I must because I still have to live in the world, but I know my nature. The nature of all things; entropy!
When we talk about chimps who learned sign language, we rarely mention that while those chimps managed to communicate, not one of them ever asked a single question. These chimps can learn the motions, but they’re not processing the information with the same level of complexity as we are. Sure, you can show a chimp how to ask for an orange, but you’ll never fundamentally change their relationship with it. Some could reasonably interpret this as evidence of their “inferior” intellect, but maybe they just… don’t have any questions for us. Maybe the details just don’t really matter. People will want you to see life the way they see it; to believe what they believe; to care about what they care about, but there is no one-size-fits-all path to happiness. I am in this body today, but one day I will die. Between then and now, I’m responsible for finding my own peace, and what I’ve learned is that my peace doesn’t have to look like yours. You’re gonna need to know yourself to know what you really want, and then you’ll need to love yourself enough to get after it, even if it doesn't make sense to anyone else. Maybe you want to own a big beautiful home, have a family, and a really successful career…
OR
Maybe you’re like me and you just want an orange.
Thanks for being here.
-ONO
ART & AFTERTHOUGHTS:
I’ve noticed my posts are a lot longer than most substacks I’ve seen. Maybe I’m writing too much lol. Though, perhaps that’s a good problem to have? I don’t wanna get too caught up in comparing my workflow to anyone else’s this early, so I’m just gonna keep up my pace and maybe change up when the time feels right. And collecting these longer essays will make for a nice zine compilation in the future.
Here’s some art I did in the past 2 weeks! I did so many drawings that to post them all would be kind of overkill, so these are just my favorites. Some are photos of pieces and not scans because the paper is too big; 14’x17’! I need a bigger scanner, or maybe I can just make time to go to an establishment with one, like Staples or a copy center, but how many copy centers are even still around in 2024? I don’t know. I’ll figure it out. Especially with figure drawing, it’s nice to have the bigger space to work with! In general I tend to work small and I’ve been working at upsizing, but that can cause some headaches when it comes to transferring and documenting my art. In any case, I can’t lead with what’s easy, so as with most things, I’ll keep on doing what feels right. As always, I’m open to any and all feedback. Thanks for reading!
